(Yeah, The Last Sun of Krypton is totally the best new Shaq nickname, and it's mine. Feel free to use it, big fella!)
Just a couple of weeks ago, we all thought that the Gasol deal would end up being the biggest trade of the season unless something crazy happened with Jason Kidd. Well, Shaq to Phoenix for Marion and Banks blocks that trade 5 times a game. This is the number 1 team in the league's better conference giving up its third best player for one of the top-six best basketball players of all time.
Top Six Best-Ever Players:
Michael Jordan
Magic Johnson
Larry Bird
Wilt Chamberlain
Bill Russell
Shaquille O'Neal
(these guys are in no particular order, because choosing one would be too difficult/time-consuming for me)
Sadly, this is Shaq's 210th year in the league, so he definitely isn't in his prime. In fact, people have been calling him an old man lately, saying that he's completely lost his step. Well, if that's the case, the Suns might have some trouble continuing to be the fastest team in the league (COMIC). Lack of running ability is just one of Shaq's many criticisms though. Let's take a moment to review all the possible ill-effects of the trade:
1. The Suns are forced to slow down their game whenever Shaq is playing.
2. Shaq runs with the team, but dies of a heart-attack.
3. The Suns' seven man rotation starts to tire up even more, because Shaq can't play half the minutes Marion could, and D'Antoni is too stupid to start playing his two potentially great rookies (DJ Strawberry and Alando Tucker).
4. Not being used to his height, Steve Nash nails Shaq in the nuts with one of his super-high-speed passes... Shaq never gets up.
5. Having Shaq standing beneath the basket gets in the way of the Suns' usual pick & roll play.
6. With Shaq and Raja Bell on the same team, the technical fouls start to favor those dick Lakers.
7. Steve Nash is accidentally crushed while resting his back.
8. Shaq simply can't contribute as many sweet alleyoops as The Matrix did.
9. The big man starts demanding too many shots, taking away from the Suns' otherwise fantastic chemistry.
10. The Suns win the Western Conference Finals, but lose to the Miami Heat in the finals, who win practically every game after acquiring Marion (haha, yea right! Miami's still dead, and Shawn's totally boned).
All these negative ideas were in my head the moment I heard about the trade. Although I thought about how sweet it will be to have two of my all-time favorite players on one team together (Nash being the other), I couldn't help but think that the team I enjoy watching most was about to be screwed over by Steve Kerr's nutso experiment. Then, I took a moment, and I tried to think of as many possible positive effects this trade may have... Here's ten of them:
1. Shaq finally gives Phoenix some rebounds to work with.
2. Amare moves into the power forward position, where he thrives.
3. Shaq successfully defends all the insanely powerful centers in the West + Tim Duncan (who's actually also a center, simply disguised as a power forward).
4. Combining Grant Hill, Steve Nash, and Shaq makes the Phoenix Suns the most driven team in the league.
5. Raja Bell is able to sink even more open threes thanks to the Big Aristotle's presence.
6. Kobe just runs away forever.
7. Boris Diaw, for some strange Shaq-related reason, stops sucking.
8. SlamDumb.com gets more material to work with than ever.
9. Shaq's sweet break-dancing ability blows all opposing teams away.
10. I have always thought of Steve Nash as the league equivalent to Batman, and you all know what happens when Superman and Batman get together...
After thinking this through A LOT, I've got to say that I can see this working, and I can see it working very well. I mean, has having Shaq ever made a team worse? Has any team with Shaq not made it to the Finals? Really, as long as he doesn't get in the way of the offense, I can see Shaq solving all of the Suns' problems.
Speaking of which, Bill Walton made comments regarding the prospect of Shaq playing well, saying that it would show that Shaq was faking or exaggerating his injuries while playing for the Heat. He called it a no win situation for the The Last Sun of Krypton, adding this line: "Shaq's arrogance is an insult to people who think." Guess what, Walton? Your face is an insult to people who see! Shove that up your crack, biotch! I'm serving fools like you 24/7!!! ...As I was saying, I believe Bill Walton's comments on this topic were made without proper merit, thus I am opposed to them. I think we should leave it to the team medical staffs to determine when Shaq is and isn't healthy enough to play.
The only real issue I have with the trade is Shaq's inability to play near the minutes that Shawn Marion did. D'Antoni will NEED to play more of his bench now if this trade is to have any chance of working. That shouldn't be a problem, but his track record in the rotation department leads to some concern. Alando Tucker and DJ Strawberry have both played so well in their very few minutes this season that I think either one of them could have been competing for rookie of the year under a different coach. I mostly like D'Antoni, but his 7-man rotation is just stupid. Speaking of which, I'm glad Marcus Banks was part of the deal, just because maybe he'll finally be given the chance to contribute in Miami (he definitely could have in Phoenix, but the coach just didn't allow it).
About Miami... Shawn Marion might eventually save the team. Not this year, and probably not next year, but eventually he might. I completely understand why Pat Riley compared Wade and Marion to Jordan and Pippen though. The two can easily end up being similar (a lesser version of the duo, if you will). Wade is a fantastic offensive force, while Marion is a good all-around player who might be as much of an attention-needing loser side-kick as Scottie Pippen was (both have complained numerous times about being under-valued). Remember when Pippen said he was worth more to a team than Michael Freaking Jordan? I can easily see Marion saying the same about Wade, and I'll be laughing just as hard at him as I did at Pippen. Pat Riley was right on about this one. Oh, and here's a message for Marion: This is what happens to fools who complain when they're in one of the best possible situations they can be in. Have fun watching the Suns make a run these next two years, while you try desperately to dig yourself out of the second worst hole in the East (the first belonging to Barbara Streisand). Take it and (pretend you) like it, Marion! ...I'll miss your alleyoops.
Just like everyone else in the world, I can't wait to the Suns' "controlled chaos" combined with Shaq Fu. The sooner The Last Sun of Krypton plays, the better for Phoenix; because, unlike what some fools on ESPN have been saying, he needs to be able to help the Suns during the regular season, not just in the post-season. If this new combination is to work during the play-offs, the Suns need to be used to winning with it in the regular season. This whole thing is exciting though. Steve Nash + Shaquille O'Neal ...well, that's just nuts. Maybe I'm wrong, but I believe we're about to see Superman draw some serious power from the Sun.
-Vlad
Do you have an interesting opinion on the Shaq trade? Email it to contact@slamdumb.com.
