Before continuing to live your boring life and reading my boring article, check out this hilarious and extremely un-boring video of my buddy, Constantine, somehow managing to almost die on Ninja Warrior...
He'll win it next year, assuming he recovers from the brain damage. Anyway, let's talk about some mother-fucking basketball!
If the season ended today, Manu Ginobili would be my pick for MVP. Seemingly every game the Spurs play, Manu delivers a clutch shot, clutch defensive play, or clutch travel + shot. Also, his new nose is ridiculously sexy. Overall, the Spurs are cannon rushing everyone's asses, and they've provided me with a little hope that the Lakers might not make it to the finals. I guess Eva Longoria sitting in the stands used to distract them or something. It's a good thing Mr. Parker told her to fuck off so they could start winning again. What a badass!
Another hope against those ugly/criminal Lakers is the Dallas Mavericks. They're good again, which I admittedly didn't expect them to be. Dirk Nowitzki seems to have finally recovered from choking against the non-Ninja Warriors in 2007, and Jason Kidd started channeling all the aggression he used to use to beat his wife into basketball.
I just realized that since all of Cleveland's talents were taken to South reach, I no longer root for any team in the East (used to pull for the Cavs and Heat). Of course, if it weren't for Spike Lee being so obnoxious and never casting white people in his movies (bloody racist), I would probably be rooting for Amar'e and the Knicks. Amar'e not sucking hippo balls after leaving Steve Nash fills me with all sorts of yummy feelings inside that resemble happiness, seeing as he's pretty much the only player other than Mr. Nowitzki to not completely fall apart after leaving Nash's sexy side. In fact, Amar'e's actually improved, which is something he hasn't done since 2006 (understandably, since Suns management did just about everything possible to destroy his spirit since then). The main difference between his play last year and his play this year is that he doesn't get the ball stolen from him every time he tries to dribble (assuming he's not playing the Heat). That's a pretty substantial improvement. He's officially become more successful at dribbling in the NBA than my buddy was on the spider climb in Ninja Warrior (once again, assuming he's not playing the Heat).
Now it's time to introduce a new segment to my articles: Fake Interviews! I've done them before with Steve Nash and Emii, and both articles got a good response (even though one of them had nothing to do with basketball or Constantine!), so I've decided to make it somewhat of a routine. Plus, it's an easy way for me to get my ideas out about certain people and situations. So, let's start off with one of our least favorite people in the league...
Slam Dumb's (Fake) Interview with Phil Jackson
SD: Thanks for sitting down with us today, Phil.
Phil: Thanks for giving me an extra chair.
SD: Well, you do have a pretty huge ass.
Phil: Yeah, I know. I had to pay for two airplane tickets to come down here.
SD: That's pretty amazing, seeing as first-class seats are big enough for three people.
Phil: Yep.
SD: So, we've heard that you're against playing on Christmas. Can you please elaborate on that.
Phil: Well, it's a holy day that's meant to be spent with family. A good Christian like me having to coach on Christmas just isn't fair. I demand the NBA stop scheduling games on Christmas, God damnit!
SD: So, do you think it's fair if every other religious holiday meant a day off for basketball players? For example, shouldn't Amar'e have the right to stay home during the eight days of Chanukah?
Phil: There are other religions??
SD: Yeah. Also, did you know millions of other people in the US actually have real jobs that require them to do real work on Christmas?
Phil: Yeah, but I get paid ridiculous amounts of money for doing something most people would die to do for free. Shouldn't I get more benefits?
SD: Probably not. Anyway, I'm the one interviewing here, so I'll be asking the questions.
Phil: But I wanna ask questions too!
SD: Fine. In that case, I'll do some coaching. Stop eating so much and hit the gym, for Christ's sake. The last thing you need is more days off to eat.
Phil: But LeBron agreed with me about Christmas!
SD: Yeah, that's a good sign that everything you're saying is retarded.
Phil: Can I ask a question now?
SD: No.
Phil: Awww. *starts to eat comfort food*
Mmm. It's so easy to make fun of fat people when you're able to use 1st and 2nd person. You know, part of me gets all nostalgic when I start hating on the Lakers. It reminds me of a time when I actually rooted for LeBron, Miami, and George Lucas. Now, I hate all those things more than the Lakers. Thinking about that makes me sad.
I'm sending a Shout Out! to sebastien3k, the head writer and owner of the sports-comedy website, http://rofljock.com. This website rocks cocks harder than Jean-Claude Van Damme wrestling a kangaroo on methamphetamines. If you like reading about sports, laughing, or both, check it out.
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Slam-Dumb/248400703726
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Email: contact@slamdumb.com
-Vlad
