SlamDumb Mid-Season Awards
Half of the 2009-2010 NBA season has passed, and that means it's time to hand out our first-ever Annual Mid-Season Awards. Due to laziness and Mass Effect 2, we considered just copy-pasting ESPN's or NBA's mid-season awards, but after actually reading them, we decided against it. With all due respect, those guys are clueless retards with cat litter in place of brains.
So, after days of heated debate, rolling dice, and throwing darts, we've come up with the real Mid-Season winners for you.
Most Improved Player
Winner: Vlad
He spent a lot of time during the Summer working on his game, and now holds his own in just about any pick-up game at the university rec center.
Most Worsened(?) Player
Winner: Gilbert Arenas
This is basically a "loser of the year" award, and we've already established that that loser is Gilbert Arenas.
Runner-up: Tracy McGrady. Easily. He claims he changed his jersey from #1 to #3 to build awareness of Darfur. But we all know that it's because he is such a loser that Trevor Ariza, who is in truth a complete nobody, showed up in Houston and said "McGrady sucks bad and I'm going to prove it by stealing his jersey number." A couple of years ago people probably figured McGrady's #1 jersey would be retired in Houston. Now Ariza wears it while McGrady is still on the roster! How sad is that?
Sixth Man of the Year
Winner: Keyon Dooling
This reserve point goard on the New Jersey Nets never fails to give them that spark off the bench. Actually he fails just about every single day but it's not his fault. Seriously, his adjusted plus/minus stat is the best on the team, so if everyone on the Nets played as well as him they might actually win some games. Too bad everyone else on that team blows at basketball.
Defensive Player of the Year
Winner: Anderson Varejao
You may have read ESPN's Mid-Season Awards and thought "what the feck? Varejao?" (Note: it's an "insider" article so if you can't read it then here is the relevant excerpt courtesy of SlamDumb.)
Indeed, yes, Varejao! The man is a defensive beast! Look back to the last time the Cavaliers played against the Lakers. Who guarded Kobe Bryant in the final seconds to seal the Cavaliers' win? Anderson Varejao. Who guarded Kevin Durant in the final seconds of a one-possession game, blocking his shot and then securing the ball? Anderson Varejao. Who stole the ball from Dwyane Wade with seconds remaining in regulation to give the Cavaliers a one-point lead, and then guarded Wade on the subsequent and final possession to seal the deal? Anderson Varejao. Just about every player in the NBA respects Varejao's lock-down defense and the way he forces you to either give up the ball or shoot from way outside your comfort zone.
Just fucking kidding! All that shit is LeBron! Give me a break, ESPN, you dumbasses! Anderson Varejao for defensive player of the year? What? How many close games does LeBron have to guard the opposing team's best player in and come up with some mad game-winning steal, block, or just plain in-your-face defense to make this a no-brainer? Seriously, if you read Hollinger's nonsense and thought "hey he has a point! best defensive plus-minus on basketballvalue.com, that must mean he's a better defender than Kobe or Duncan or LeBron or Garnett," you clearly never actually watch NBA games. That kind of argument is so lousy I don't even know what to say, except that right now Amir Johnson of Toronto has the best defensive rating according to that site so I guess he's DPOY.
ACTUAL Defensive Player of the Year
Winner: LeBron James
Rookie of the Year
Winner: Tyreke Evans
Why the heck not?
Coach of the Year
Don Nelson
Nellie should get this award simply because he's done the most half-assed coaching job ever for the last several years and hasn't gotten fired. About fifty NBA coaches have been fired over the last three seasons, and Don Nelson isn't one of them, which is both insane and awesome. He is the Christopher Walken of basketball coaches -- he doesn't try even a little bit and everyone still loves him because he's a riot.
Most Valuable Player
Winner: LeBron James
This one's obvious so there's no need to really go into details. I did notice, however, a rather peculiar turn of events over at NBA.com's Race to the MVP. Our previous article was about how NBA.com hated on Kobe in its recent R2MVP column. That column was incidentally written by the awful Frank Hughes, who Vlad recently criticized, saying "I hope he gets fired." Well, lo and behold! Hughes is gone, and we have a new writer for the R2MVP column! I guess Vlad's words, coupled with the twenty million angry emails NBA.com got from Kobe fans who were outraged at seeing LeBron elevated so far above their basketball idol, had some effect. New writer Steven Assburner, who refers to himself as "the committee," presumably because he is schizophrenic, wasted no time delivering a long-winded apologetic where he, in far too many words, basically said that he wants Kobe's cock and that LeBron is lucky to be the clear MVP or he'd lose his top spot in the rankings. So I suppose we're back to business as usual.
Those are your SlamDumb Mid-Season Awards for 2009-2010. If you disagree with them, send us your own mid-season awards.
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Slam-Dumb/248400703726
Twitter: www.twitter.com/slamdumb
Email: contact@slamdumb.com
-Dmitry
