The Trades

Since coming to Phoenix, Steve Kerr hasn't made a single non-dreadful decision. That is, until now. Brace yourselves, Phoenix fans: Sasha Pavlovic is coming to town! That's right. The guy who helped make LeBron perhaps the best player in the NBA is now coming to help Steve Nash and... ummm... whoever else they have left win a championship! The most amazing part of the whole situation is that all Phoenix had to do to get him was exchange a four-time champion and 15-time All-Star. Did I mention they're also getting Ben Wallace? After today, there are two comebacks I can be certain of: The Phoenix Suns will be back as contenders in the playoffs, and Michael Jackson's career will be reenergized after his kickass European tour. The sun is rising, my friends.

Of course, I should probably also talk about the Shaqlander (like "Clevelander", except with a "Shaq" in it). Actually, that sucks. How about: The Monsoon, because he's come to end the Cleveland's 200 year championship drought. Maybe I should just go with "The Frozen Big Guy", since he's never had to live in such a cold and depressing city (the winter will kill him). How about I just think of something better later. Anyway, last year I wrote this amazing article about Shaq's move to Phoenix. After giving him the awesome nickname "The Last Sun of Krypton", which was far superior to "The Big Cactus" (which he stupidly used instead), I proceeded to explain the potential pros and cons of Shaq being a Sun. Of course, all the cons came to fruition, while all the possible pros, well, didn't. As my long-time readers know, I used to follow the Suns more than any other team, until Steve Kerr became a genius. Now, the Cleveland Cavaliers are the team I follow more than any other, and while Shaq makes a lot more sense in Cleveland than he did in Phoenix, I'm still understandably frightened by the whole situation. That's why, this time, I'm only going to talk about the possible positives of Shaq's tenure in Cleveland...

• The Cleveland Cavaliers meet Kobe Bryant and the Lakers in the Finals, creating the most exciting playoff match-up of all time. David Stern manages to have his first boner in over a decade.
• The Cavaliers actually win a championship! Cleveland fans stop crying themselves to sleep/cutting themselves/jerking off to stock-footage of old Browns games.
• Shaq's huge expiring contract allows the Cavs to easily land another superstar for the 2010/2011 season.
• Shaq isn't super helpful in Cleveland, but they use him as fantastic trade bait before next season's trade deadline.
• Having a strong post presence gives the Cavs' back court even more open shots to miss.
• The combination of Shaq and LeBron fouls out entire teams, forcing assistant coaches to come off the bench.
• Shaq gets back to being a cop and halts Cleveland's rising crime rate. No thug on the planet would be stupid enough to mess with Steel.
• LeBron and Shaq make their pre-game rituals more fun to watch than actual basketball. Maybe LeBron will take imaginary photos of Shaq playing imaginary bowling? The possibilities are endless.
• Unlike LeBron, Shaq calls out his teammates for playing like poop whenever games get at all difficult, motivating them to stop sucking. Seriously, LeBron went way too easy on those guys last year. Kevin Garnett, on the other hand, knows how to manage his team.
• LeBron doesn't go to New York.

In way-less-interesting news, Vince Carter is heading over to Shaq's first NBA home, Orlando. The Magic had to give up Rafer Alston, Courtney Lee, and some random guy no one knows in exchange. It's an interesting trade, but I'm not sure if it's a good one. I mean, even though Courtney Lee deserves to be punched in the nuts for missing that lay-up in game two, he has the potential to become another Rip Hamilton (a really good player who wears a really stupid mask). Also, people forget Rafer Alston only joined the Magic halfway through last season. Given some more time with the team, they could have developed some solid chemistry (the fact that Hedo's probably leaving certainly won't help in that department). I guess we'll see whether or not Carter can still play as well as he did in Toronto (I mean that game he put into overtime and won with a buzzer-beater last year. That was epic).

The Draft

Let's just go through the lottery picks...

The 1st Pick: The Cripples drafted Blake Griffin, who should spend the year pretending to be a bust so he can get his ass traded out of there.

The 2nd Pick: The Grizzlies grabbed Hasheem Thabeet, whose career sadly ended before it began.

The 3rd pick: I don't really know much about James Harden... or the Thunder. I also don't really understand thunder. Why does electricity make so much noise?

The 4th Pick: Tyreke Evans is now a member of my least favorite NBA team (I can't stand the grey and purple. It's a sickening combination).

The 5th Pick: With the first of their 20 or so draft picks, the Timberwolves selected the Spanish point-guard, Ricky Rubio, who has a totally badass name.

The 6th Pick: ¿Que? Another point-guard for the Timberwolves? Why pick Johny Flynn ahead of Stephen Curry? If KG were still around, he would be demanding a trade.

The 7th Pick: Stephen Curry gets to play with the Warriors, under Don Nelson, who should be known as "the lesser Mike D'Antoni". If only he could have made it to the next round...

The 8th Pick: Jordan Hill will get to lose some weight running with D'Antoni's Knicks. Good for him.

The 9th Pick: DeMar DeRozan is being deported to DeCanada to play for DeRaptors. You know how much DeCanadians love DeBasketball! Some Torontonians even know they have a team in their city (not many).

The 10th Pick: Looks like Brandon Jennings's time in Italy not only made him filthy rich but also helped him do better in the draft than anyone expected him to. Now everyone will go to Europe instead of a university.

The 11th Pick: Terrence Williams is going to join Rafer Alston and Courtney Lee in New Jersey. Woopididoo!

The 12th Pick: After being drafted by the Bobcats, Gerald Henderson can potentially end up as part of a "Bobcats fun fact". Hopefully, he'll do something fun or facty.

The 13th Pick: The Pacers drafted Tyler Hansbrough, who everyone assumes will under-perform in the NBA, despite how well he played in college. Admit it: it's because he's white, and great white college players traditionally blow Jesus-balls in the big league. You're all racists!

The 14th Pick: Earl Clark is a Phoenix Sun! What a lucky bastard! There no doubt that with him, Pavlovic, and Wallace joining the team, Steve Nash's assist average next year will be higher than ever!

I'm officially excited about next season. By the way, this is SlamDumb's 100th article, so congratulations to us! Check back soon for the 101st article, which will be titled "Run, Nash, Run!" (Get it? It's a reference to his style of play. It's going to be a good one!).

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-Vlad