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Jun 24 2008
by Vlad
You Can't Do Without Shaquille O'Neal



Alright, let's look at this subjectively: While Shaquille O'Neal still isn't the player he used to be, and while he'll still need quite a lot of work if he hopes to get himself in good enough shape to truly run with the Suns, I think we can all agree that the big man has, at least, finally redeemed himself as a rapper. That was a beautiful freestyle. Hopefully someone will have the sense to get Shaq back in the recording studio so I can get this masterpiece in high quality!



By the way, I wasn't able to find an accurate transcript of the rap online, so I edited someone else's. These lyrics should be pretty dead on (now you can sing along, the way I do)...



Check it, You know how I be


Last week Kobe couldn't do without me


You know how I be


Last Week Kobe couldn't do without me




I call myself big, but I'm not as good as Biggie


I call myself big, cuz I live next to Diddy


Excuse me, Diddy live next to me, so in the hood dawg I feel like B I G




Cuz if Biggie was still here, he would be right there, on star island in a mansion somewhere


chillin, sitting on about half a billion, cuz me and gunz can buy shit that's half a billion




For real dawg, now that's B I G, and there ain't nobody in the world do it bigger than me


That's like a white boy trying to be more nigga than me


That's like a homeless cat having more fingers than me


That's like Patrick Ewing having more rings than me


That's like rappers having cars [unintelligible] than me


That's like you saying to yourself you're better than me


That's like Kareem saying to himself he's better than me




Now stop, think about that, it aint about that. Its about B I G a.k.a. Big Shaq


Now that's the difference between first and last place




Kobe, nigga, Tell me how my ass tastes


Okay, Kobe, Tell me how my ass tastes


Okay, Everybody, Kobe Tell me how my ass tastes




I'm a horse, Kobe ratted me out, that's why I'm getting divorced


He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil. I don't do that cause my name Shaquille


I love em, but I don't leave em' I got a vasectomy, now I can't breed them




Kobe, how my ass tastes


Everybody, Kobe how my ass tastes


Yeah, you couldn't do without me


Kobe, You couldn't do without me


Kobe, You can't do without me


Everybody, Kobe, Tell how my ass tastes




Yeah, You can't do without me


Yeah, You can't do without me


Yeah, You can't do without me


Everybody, Kobe, Tell how my ass tastes


Yeah...




For me, this freestyle surpasses Shaq's Kazaam rap as the greatest Shaq rap ever. In fact, it even beats out the Spanish version:





I didn't think anything could get better than that! Perhaps my dream of having a Shaq videogame that's even better than Shaq Fu will also come true someday?





A Quick Comment on the USA Olympic Roster


Carmelo Anthony, Carlos Boozer, Chris Bosh, Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard, LeBron James, Jason Kidd, Chris Paul, Tayshaun Prince, Michael Redd, Dwyane Wade, and Deron Williams. That's a lot of good players, but, with the exception of Tayshaun Prince (who's probably the worst one on the roster), none of these guys have won a championship without Shaq. Now that's scary! We have no evidence that any of them can do without Shaq. Before you know it, these guys might be tasting Argentina's ass again.



Questions, comments, or complaints? Send them over to contact@slamdumb.com.



-Vlad


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